Health and Efficiency

There is a lot of talk on the Challenge message board from the hard boys, of jungle warfare, pistol whipping and cold bed baths.

Back in our little half world (the land of slackened bodies, dank Cambridgehsire woodland dripping in the mist, and corroded walking poles) our TGO Challenge Fitness Instructor, Miss Whiplash, has been outlining our Training Regime for the next four months. She does not want to see her husband having sand kicked in his face by the new 'Bigger Boys'.

Miss W is a fearsome sight in her leather basque and Scarpa Nepals (I am not too sure about her sartorial choices here - the tan boots don't go too well with the black basque, but I am afraid to tell her...) She has decided that Phil's cart-horse like physique has to go. Where he will put it I am not sure, but Miss Whiplash seems certain about it.

It all started rather dismally this Sunday at the 'Late Pub' in Great Abington. One pint of IPA each. ONE! We were dragged from the pub whining like pups into the rough, cold, army greatcoat of an afternoon in South Cambridgeshire. We were marched at quite impressive speed around a nine mile course of hill and vale and, as a reward, allowed to sink back into the start point for a second pint as the street lights were glowing dark red on their start-ups.

Lord Elpus was promised a nourishing bowl of a three leaf soup and a dry Ryvita biscuit on his return to Whiplash Towers. He was looking forward to it mightily.

We have been advised that we will look back on this regime, when we are bowling along the Scottish Tops in May in rude health and fitness, as the bedrock - indeed the very foundation of the start of our new lives celebrating Health and Efficiency.

Those Bigger Boys had better watch out...