Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Health and Efficiency

There is a lot of talk on the Challenge message board from the hard boys, of jungle warfare, pistol whipping and cold bed baths.

Back in our little half world (the land of slackened bodies, dank Cambridgehsire woodland dripping in the mist, and corroded walking poles) our TGO Challenge Fitness Instructor, Miss Whiplash, has been outlining our Training Regime for the next four months. She does not want to see her husband having sand kicked in his face by the new 'Bigger Boys'.

Miss W is a fearsome sight in her leather basque and Scarpa Nepals (I am not too sure about her sartorial choices here - the tan boots don't go too well with the black basque, but I am afraid to tell her...) She has decided that Phil's cart-horse like physique has to go. Where he will put it I am not sure, but Miss Whiplash seems certain about it.

It all started rather dismally this Sunday at the 'Late Pub' in Great Abington. One pint of IPA each. ONE! We were dragged from the pub whining like pups into the rough, cold, army greatcoat of an afternoon in South Cambridgeshire. We were marched at quite impressive speed around a nine mile course of hill and vale and, as a reward, allowed to sink back into the start point for a second pint as the street lights were glowing dark red on their start-ups.

Lord Elpus was promised a nourishing bowl of a three leaf soup and a dry Ryvita biscuit on his return to Whiplash Towers. He was looking forward to it mightily.

We have been advised that we will look back on this regime, when we are bowling along the Scottish Tops in May in rude health and fitness, as the bedrock - indeed the very foundation of the start of our new lives celebrating Health and Efficiency.

Those Bigger Boys had better watch out...


  1. Alan

    Strictness & Motivation (the capitals are important) are the very bedrock of a disciplined training regime. I will expect to see you and Lord E on the starting blocks on Sunday at 12.00 sharp.

    Miss W.

  2. Having met Ms Whiplash, I know the fear you and Phil live in. Don't worry an escape committee is being formed.
    In meantime good luck ;-)

  3. Let me know when the next training event is and I'll leave some sustenance in a pre-determined secret location, inside the third dog poo box on the right, just past the three oaks with the blue string habging from the eight branch on the right.

  4. Has it struck you that it may be possible to find healthy vegetation in the form of plant leaves in the Highlands. I don't know of any but it could be that Madame Whiplash will be able to advise a nuch more healthier diet than the kind offer of pies.

  5. Nope, pies are fine by me.

    Pork pies, scotch pies, pukka fact any pies!

    Darren - that escape route. Could it involve two weeks in the scottish wilderness? Ah, bliss...

    Lord E.

  6. Those two weeks will be a cake-walk compared to the present regime, Phil. Speaking of cakes...

    Pieman - wonderful idea! Mutton pie anyone? (Sorry Dollie - she was a two-timing minx)

  7. Grumpy: I will let Phil have the Monadhliath Leaf Salads.

    I am sure he can use his GPS thingummy-jig to plot his route to find them, with a little help from the Message Board Team.

  8. AS - a lovely piece. Both funny and vaguely unsettling at the same time
    More of the same ilk please

  9. I just thought that if you were training on leaves then with a little help from those that know you could do your Challenge without having to carry food by collecting it from plants on the way.
    Those mutton pies are very fattening!

  10. You might have something here Mr Grumpy: A few years back Phil found all the wonderful Juniper Bushes in Glen Mazeran...

    No need to carry spirits anymore then. Surely enough calories in the Gin to not need to bother with any of those solids either!


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