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Tuesday, 30 January 2007

DON'T PANIC

It says ‘Don’t Panic’ on the front of the "Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy" in large friendly letters.

I need this advice more now than at any time since I started planning this walk.

The Stephensons Warmlite 2C tent has yet to arrive. It was booked in to the United States Postal Service at Laconia, New Hampshire at 11:10am on the 18th January. It left New Jersey Bulk (wherever that may be) at 12:48 pm on the 20th January.

Then: Nothing. That was 10 days ago. Not a sausage. Bugger all.

Theories abound:

A) The Bermuda Triangle?
B) MSC Napoli?
C) A light fingered baggage handler?

I am on the telephone to a large breasted, blonde American Voicemail Service at USPS for quite some time. She has problems disentangling my English answers when she asks me questions over the phone, so that I have to go back to the start of the process some three times. It is made more difficult for her as by the third run through of her automated interrogation, I am chewing my desk in frustration.

Two Nations divided by a common language.

Lou & Phyllis over in Bowie have received their Warmlite 2C and have completed an indoor erection.

I sit here and mope.

Then begin to panic.

4 comments:

  1. Hi Alan
    Borrow Lou and Phyllis's Tent till
    you get to Scotland, then maybe your's will arrive by then

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear alan,

    I am intrigued...How did you manage to establish that the nice American lady you spoke to was large breasted and blonde? Did you ask her outright? did she volunteer the information? or did you use your smooth patter to get the info out of her? Having seen you in action with the fairer sex I think it was probabley the first.

    The erection in Lou and Phyllis's front room is also interesting..The last time I had one of those was when 'the lovely Deborah' ( my wife ) came in and offered me a bacon sandwich whilst wearing her curlers, slippers and thick dressing gown (it's a Yorkshire thing )

    your tent is definitley on the beach at Branscombe...I'll ask our even littler bruvver Gwyn to look out for it!

    cheers you old tosser

    Your little broyher
    Dave

    ReplyDelete
  3. Alan,
    I think two weeks is about right for POSTAL SERVICE bulk air parcel service, internationally, and three weeks is quite common. They will blame security and customs, but the problem is postal service inefficiency at both ends. If it were just security and customs, the express carriers wouldn't be able to do it in 2-3 days.

    I assume you checked that they have the right address for you? And that it's not stacked behind the plant pots at your front door? Also, if your neighbor looks guilty . . .

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Daryl
    My Osprey rucksack only took a few days to arrive from Colorado. (That went by a commercial private carrier) I hope you are right. The recording of the blonde sexy girl at USPS did sound wonderful, but I suspect she conformed, sadly, to stereotype.

    Now my neighbours on the other hand...

    I shall start being NICE to them for the first time in ages (apart from Ian & Janet, who we adore, who look after CAT for us so wonderfully. They are real darlings)

    Not long now for you, either, Daryl...

    ReplyDelete

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