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Wednesday, 16 November 2011

BLOGGERS FORM NEW GOVERNMENT!

Guillotine

Italy had led the way. She is now being governed by a completely unelected government to sort out the mess the elected parliamentarians have left behind. It was a logical progression for the United Kingdom to follow suit. England’s new Government has the full support of the German & French Premiers and the Bank of England.

After a bloodless coup, the New Order has taken control of the levers of power and will not be letting them go until the “Great” has been put back into Great Britain. The Cabinet Posts have been filled by the following Technocrats::

Prime Minister: That’s me. This is not a democracy. It’s my coup.

Home Secretary: Owdbum This guy talks sense.

Foreign Office: Postcard from Timperley. He spends most of his life abroad anyway.

Chancellor of the Exchequer: Blogpackinglight.. Monetary Genius.

Education: Whitespider1066 (He actually enjoys teaching!)

Health: Terrybnd. (Gets my vote – encourages a bottle of red with each meal)

Transport: TownsendOutdoors. He has been to the far corners of the planet.

DEFRA: Where the Fatdog Walks (a bit of a foodie)

Communities & Local Government: Andy Howell This’ll keep him out of mischief

Culture: The Solitary Walker. Obvious choice, really.

Leader of the Upper House: Lord Elpus, Obviously.

Energy & Climate Change: DISBANDED. No more money for turbines.

Wales, : DISBANDED (Quarrelsome troublemakers, thrown out of the UK)

Northern Ireland: DISBANDED (It’s abroad, for goodness sake! Thrown out of the UK)

Scotland: DISBANDED (Thrown out of the UK. We keep the oil and the hills)

Women & Equality: Are you dreaming? Winking smile

 

We start work tomorrow, first thing, after a plate & bacon sandwiches and a few beers. You can’t rush these things. Other countries will shorlty be following our example. Mark My Words…

44 comments:

  1. Robin has always impressed me. I think he even reads the economist cover to cover. I only read the obits, which are the least depressing parts these days.

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  2. You don't want the hills they're full of turbines...

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  3. In that case I would like to volunteer for Energy and Climate Change.
    No more Bloody Turbines for a start off.
    All existing politicians would be converted to just Energy.
    That much pomp and bluster, we should be able to run the planet for the next 40 years!

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  4. You'd need a Secretary of State for Defence. That'd be me.

    I'd be no good in a fight but I seem to recall a SoS for Transport of old who couldn't drive.

    Brian
    World Champion Bun Thrower 1992.
    Winner Solo 15mm Miniature Wargames - Battle of Gettysburg, Fire & Fury rules.

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  5. I like this idea. You can almost feel the critical mass of common sense that has been brought together.

    One thing is for sure, no matter what qualifications and experience this new cabinet has, it can't be any worse than the self-serving, spineless fools we have now, and at least it stands a chance of having some moral fibre about it.

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  6. Alan, you're the man with the map, so, naturally, it falls to you to lead us out of this mess.

    I humbly accept the honour that has been thrust upon me. Furthermore I'll do it for free!

    I look forward to our first cabinet meeting, which I suspect will be in a pub somewhere.

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  7. yay! May I be your first foreign dignitary to pay homage to your new political landscape? going forward of course...

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  8. Philip: I am amazed that a similar endeavour is not underway over in the colonies! I will ask our Foreign Secretary to have a chat with your people.

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  9. Tookie: It only takes a couple of sticks of dynamite. This will be done strictly on a volunteer basis. You can strap a Scottish politician to each blade of each turbine as they whirl around. When you run out of politicians you can stick members of FoE or Greenpeace up there.

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  10. Mad'n'Bad: Sorry chum - It's been disbanded. Irrelevant, see?

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  11. Brian: This is a role that could perhaps be shared with Aktoman as well? Throwing buns sounds better than chucking nukes about. You get my full support.

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  12. Jules: Moral Fibre: Yes.... not so sure about the morals though and too much fibre can have disastrous effects.

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  13. Robin: You refer I suppose to the various "road-maps" all the politicos bang on about so inanely? This phrase irritates the shit out of me. Road maps will be burned in hell.

    Instead, all OS mapping will be free (we have paid for it all anyway) and issued to every couch potato. They will all be told to get off their fat backsides and get some fresh air. This way they will lose weight and stop stuffing the NHS with their ailments.

    But this is Terry's portfolio and we should let him decide what to do with lazy fat people.

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  14. Alistair: Greetings, your excellency! I believe Skye should become independent of Salmond's mad thrashings. We will send "Advisors" to help with your struggle for freedom.

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  15. I think footpath maps are more in keeping with our enterprise. They also have pubs marked.

    OT, but I noticed that one of Donald Trump's companies is in a spot of bother: http://www.businessweek.com/news/2011-11-17/trump-s-panama-ocean-club-misses-bond-amortization-payment.html

    Has the Aberdeen project been finished yet? Perhaps Mr Salmond would like to comment on his friend's financial probity? Perhaps Mr Trump could put up his toupe as surety?

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  16. Cripes! Think I'd rather take my chances with the Bullingdon Boys...

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  17. "Scotland: DISBANDED (Thrown out of the UK. We keep the oil and the hills)" This sounds like the words of a dead man walking. I'd be very careful if you come to Scotland, accidents do happen you know, tents catch fire, river crossings go wrong, gas cylinders explode.

    I hasten to add I'm not trying to threaten you but bad luck has tended to fall upon those who insult us Scots and are then stupid enough to set foot in Scotland. I'm sure a bottle or two of Laphroaig 30 year old Cairdeas, donated to myself, would propitiate the Gods.
    Ian C.

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  18. Wales disbanded? Sounds to me you lot are taking fright following Cymru's much improved rugby skills.

    At least our hills will now be less full of the braying Sais and we get to keep the scrap value of the whirring things - we'll flog it to China.

    Anyway Alan keep taking the tablets.

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  19. Could I apply for the post of Minister Without Portfolio if i's still vacant (and still exists!). A job with no apparent responsibilities should suit my work ethic to a tee.

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  20. Come on Alan, who's going to make the sandwiches?

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  21. Robin: On such a sensitive project you would have thought that the planners would have asked for a performance bond or something similar to ensure there was cash to finish the project as detailed in the planning permission. If the Trump outfit were to go tits-up it would leave a god-awful mess.

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  22. Pete: Those Bullingdon Boys are softies! They seem to be going back on every bit of their manifesto. The Bloggers New Order will soon have society back on its feet and raring to go.

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  23. Ian: Turfing Scotland out of the Union is exactly what Salmond says he wants. It's just that with us he'll get it: and live to count the actual cost. He won't be First Minister for much longer when the Scots realise what they actually have to pay for themselves.

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  24. Bob: Good Man! You won't get much for the scrap metal as the price will bomb with all the Scottish windmills flooding the market.

    Perhaps the Welsh will change their attitude to tourists when they realise that they are a stand-alone country and actually need their business.

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  25. Terry: I see you have started to take your new office seriously. Well done, Sir.

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  26. Byeways: Splendid! That'll improve the sale of portfolios straight away as we'll have to buy you one. It doesn't have to have anything inside. Kick-starting the economy, see?

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  27. Laua: Ouch! I might have been a little hasty with that one... I'll have a chat with the lads over the beers & bacon butties.

    It's just that we don't need another Theresa all dolled up in high heels. We need fighters in bovver boots. People with attitude and ideas.

    In fact... Sold! To "Is Anyone Out There?"

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  28. Alan, you didn't include a Deputy Prime Minister. If I started my own blog, punched a Welsh farmer in the face, and started shagging my secretary would that qualify me for the job ?

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  29. Ah Pete (of the Fight Club Hikers?)

    If it is the Pete of FCH I am not sure we can condone fisticuffs in the new Regime. You would be replacing Hard Man Nick Clegg. Are you 'ard enough?

    :-)

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  30. Aha! Home secretary, a broad and disparate brief...a real chance to legislate for the common good and fix broken Britain...so, if there is anything anyone would like me to fix, erm, used notes in a brown paper bag will suffice, but a paypal transaction to owdbum@caymanislandssecretaccount.com will ensure you have my ear.
    Onwards and upwards!

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  31. OK then Al.
    Can I be ...........
    MINISTER OF SILLY WALKS?

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  32. Owdbum: Rather than just tuck the wonga under the mattress in the Cayman Islands there is a highly recommended investment opportunity. Our partners over in Italy are currently offering a whacking 7% for their bonds.

    In the teensy weensy little off-chance that they don't pay up, as a sweetener, they make you a present of a fine racehorse. Well, some of the racehorse at least.

    Bargain!

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  33. "Mad'n'Bad": Oh all right. Which Silly Walk, though? This November's or next May's? The usual fees apply. You know my account details.

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  34. Alan Sloman said...
    Ian: Turfing Scotland out of the Union is exactly what Salmond says he wants. It's just that with us he'll get it: and live to count the actual cost. He won't be First Minister for much longer when the Scots realise what they actually have to pay for themselves.

    Alan:
    Personally I'm not in favour of Scotland leaving the union but your suggestion that you can steal our oil and our hills is just typical of the racist English arrogance that makes independence so popular in Scotland.

    As for the Scots having to realise what we have to pay for ourselves the last research figures I read said that when north sea oil revenues were taken into account there is very little difference between what the treasury gets from and gives to Scotland. So it might well be the English who find out what they have been gaining from Scotland's oil for all these years.

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  35. Your going to need a wardrobe or maybe even a cabinet to put all the free handouts and wads of expenses in. Can i volunteer mine and i am size large. Account to follow.

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  36. Ian C: A prickly Scot with a sense of humour failure, perhaps? Still: All said and done, there are only 5 million of them so they don't add much to any economy really.

    We *will* take your hills as the Scots are incapable of looking after them themselves. A bit like the Elgin Marbles collection really. We'll give them back when you change your policies on wind farms in wild places. Oil... Trickier. Everyone says there isn't much left now...

    "Racist" though, eh? Ever watched an England footie game in Scotland?

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  37. AlanR: Sounds to me like you are volunteering to be the New order's Banker? Sounds like an excellent plan. Couldn't do a worse job than the present lot for sure!
    The Bankers got us into the mess we are in. Then they have the cheek to oust elected governments and put bankers in charge...

    Time for a change! You're just the chap for the job!

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  38. Regarding Wales standing on its own feet. Don't forget we have millions of sheep and I think with the right marketing we can up their leisure use. We need new blood as there are now too many 'cousins".

    as far as windmills being sold off, I would be happy to make a loss!

    have a good w/e

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  39. Bob: Thank you. I've heard that a lot of Welsh sheep farmers are being encouraged to take on cattle as well now. They improve the pasture and make rainfall linger a little longer before dashing off head-long into the River Severn.

    There may well soon be a shortage of the prettier sheep. Make your move now. Pick out a little honey while there is still time!

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  40. Alan, yes I am the Fight Club Hiker but we don't really fight (except over politics, religion, football results, Strictly Come Dancing performances etc....so fairly normal really) but I think you might need a combative Deputy PM if this new Government is to repel the likes of Ian C.
    BTW you are wasting your time with your attempt to seduce our sheep here in Wales. The real babes are all spoken for already.

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  41. as a result of IanC's heartfelt comments, I've decided to push through emergency legislation ensuring that, as well as their hills and oil, we will also take their whisky and women...well, the ones with a full set of teeth, anyway.

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  42. "Racist" though, eh? Ever watched an England footie game in Scotland?

    As I live here in Gods country of course I have. The songs sung by the Tartan Army are the product of years of oppression by you English. The highland clearances are brought to mind by the ancient chant of
    "We hate Jimmy Hill,
    He's a poof,
    He's a poof."

    You have to remember that when one of you Englanders is in any way critical of the Scots it is racist. When a Scot is critical of the English it is fair and justified criticism.

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  43. Peter: It's always best to be quick off the mark. Never, ever buy her lipstick. They hate it.

    Owdbum: Of course you are correct: There are some fine whiskies out there with teeth.

    Ian C: With the New Order, Scotland need no longer feel oppressed. I think we can both drink to that over that bottle or two of Laphroaig 30 year old Cairdeas that you will bring to the party.
    Happiness restored.

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