CUSTOMER SERVICE

AAAAGGHHHH

Living in England for the last few years, with the revolution in customer service attitudes that has taken place, I had forgotten what it was like to talk to an automaton with power.

The United States Postal Service just beggars belief in their appalling attitude to customer service. I have been calling them for the last few days asking where my parcel containing my tent could be.

It takes at least three times of going through a stupid, big breasted, blonde woman answering service before you are actually gifted the reward of speaking with a human being. I say 'Human Being' loosely here, but actually mean Small Minded Fat Bigot Who Really Does Not Give A Damn, and who would much rather be shoving super-size BigMacs down his throat rather than speak to someone who needed help.

Yesterday I was assured that if the parcel had not shown up by today then they would start 'inquiries' into it's whereabouts.

Sure enough - You've guessed it - it did not show up and the USPS does not give a monkey's **** about it either.

I am incensed! (You may have guessed this by now)

This post in not meant in anyway to be derrogatory towards big breasted blonde women. In fact quite the reverse: This woman managed to get the job, despite being stupid. It can only have been that her employing supervisor liked big breasted blonde women. How else did she get the job?

YIPPEE!

On the other hand, Scarpa have excelled themselves today. Even though they do not stock the laces in the UK for my Scarpa Nepals, they are getting in five pairs for me from Italy.

Well done Scarpa, and thank you! (Perhaps you could send someone over to USPS to give them a few lessons in Customer Service) On second thoughts, don't go there. Let them rot in hell and go bust.

SHELTER

As the tent shows no sign of appearing, I think it prudent to start investigations into more reliable forms of shelter (more reliable than the United States Postal Service.)

I have tried various websites for Hostels, B&B’s Guesthouses and Hotels but they all seem to advertise themselves rather than the places to stay. In the end I ended up with good ol’ Google and am now slowly working my way up my route.

I have decided not to book anything up before I leave Land’s End apart from the First Night in Penzance, in case it all goes tits up. The idea of trying to re-book four months of accommodation after tripping over on the first day and taking the second day off with a twisted ankle just doesn’t bear thinking about!

So I am writing a long list of possible places to stay on my route. The criteria for inclusion on my list of places to stay include:

Distance from proposed stopping point.
‘Comfiness’
Atmosphere
Closeness to pub
Price

There is certainly not a bottomless pit going on here, which is why the non-appearance of the tent is just beginning to get me down. I need quite a few possible places to stay at each location as I will generally be booking a bed just a day or so in advance, which could be very tricky! However, the tent (when it finally arrives) gives me a wonderful safety net.

After getting to Bath things should get easier as there are more places to have a wild pitch where it is nice and quiet and I can get away nice and early in the morning. The South West does need a pretty comprehensive list of ‘possibles’ though!

The other places that need careful thought are the Easter holidays and the two bank holidays in May. From my place on the settee in front of Jamie Oliver at the moment, they just look impossible to sort – so I shall just have to take pot luck!

How people worked all this out preparing for their LEJOG’s before the days of the internet, I really have no idea! But thinking back, John Hillaby just shipped up at a pub and somehow either found a bed for the night from the locals or kipped high on a hill under a hedge. Not a bad plan and one I think I may make use of from time to time.

PEEWIGLET

A post for Shirley. Just Shirley. No one else.

All these bloggers seem to clutter up my links (Great Places to Visit). Shirley (aka PeeWiglet) has been there all along with her magnificent website.

With my impending walk in mind, I revisited her Pennine Way account the other day. What a great read. She goes through the agonies & ecstasies of the Lone Long Distance Walker.

She also hands out first hand personal experiences that touch a chord within us all. Sensitively written with nice touches of humility.

Get over there and take a look - but a word of warning - give yourself some time - you can spend many happy hours in there! It's not just for walkers. Its a great read.

http://www.peewiglet.com/backpacking.htm

I will put a link to her site in "Great Places to Visit"

DON'T PANIC

It says ‘Don’t Panic’ on the front of the "Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy" in large friendly letters.

I need this advice more now than at any time since I started planning this walk.

The Stephensons Warmlite 2C tent has yet to arrive. It was booked in to the United States Postal Service at Laconia, New Hampshire at 11:10am on the 18th January. It left New Jersey Bulk (wherever that may be) at 12:48 pm on the 20th January.

Then: Nothing. That was 10 days ago. Not a sausage. Bugger all.

Theories abound:

A) The Bermuda Triangle?
B) MSC Napoli?
C) A light fingered baggage handler?

I am on the telephone to a large breasted, blonde American Voicemail Service at USPS for quite some time. She has problems disentangling my English answers when she asks me questions over the phone, so that I have to go back to the start of the process some three times. It is made more difficult for her as by the third run through of her automated interrogation, I am chewing my desk in frustration.

Two Nations divided by a common language.

Lou & Phyllis over in Bowie have received their Warmlite 2C and have completed an indoor erection.

I sit here and mope.

Then begin to panic.

AN ODD JANUARY

Yesterday’s walk with Phil & Tini was unusual. We started at the London Gangster’s Pub where all the furniture had been stripped away, leaving just chairs around the edge of the room, looking like an expectant dance hall. We were the first in, spot on twelve o’clock. We didn’t fancy eating on our laps and so just kept to a liquid diet of Greene King IPA.

An odd start.

A few steps into our walk in the wood, we came across flowering celandines. This is January!

Just four days earlier, I had been taken a picture of the trees outside Mission Control’s window covered in snow.

We strolled onwards to the woodland cardboard box burial field to find a sporty little Peugeot filled with Yoofs on board. Strange exotic smells escaping from the open windows. An odd place to take your pleasures in the middle of nowhere on a bleakish Sunday afternoon in Cambridgeshire. It takes all sorts.

Having said that they are probably wondering what on earth three walkers are doing in the middle of bleakish Cambridgeshire wearing rucksacks on a Sunday afternoon. Grave robbing?

I am not sure about all this global warming. Yes, it is getting warmer but I am not convinced that it is the handiwork of man. Not many centuries ago man was living in huts and having a warm & sunny life on Dartmoor. You wouldn’t want to do that nowadays. The Romans grew vines all over Britain.

Climate does change. Plants, animals and man adapt. Life always has on our planet. Okay, things will change, but surely that will bring with it opportunities too. I suppose if you are living in Central London and the Thames takes over your sitting room, it isn’t too clever.

Personally, I don’t see it as a problem. Things change. We just have to change with it.

I’ll get my tin hat now…

LILAC & AN UPDATE

I don’t know what it is about Lilac. But it is not the colour of choice for rufty-tufty walkers. I have had various walkery things of the lilac hue, but am not proud to admit it.

The fleece lining of the ear flaps of my black Lowe Alpine Mountain cap have turned slightly lilac, my last pair of Polartec black tights turned a weird lilac, but were only thrown out after baccy burns proved too draughty in the nether regions. My pack towel is a wonderfully pretty lilac.

But to choose a pair of lilac boots: That is something else. No, it was not me.

A man who since 1998 has bought 12 pairs of boots for the Challenge has at last found a pair that fits like carpet slippers, are snug and watertight and even manages to keep his girly heels firmly in their heel cups. He thought he had bought a brand new pair of the same boot that had seen him cross Scotland twice with no blisters, only to find that they had been made on a new, fatter last.

Disaster!

So he got in touch with Asolo and they sent him one of the old lasted pairs and so at last Phil is comfy in his new boots. But, they are LILAC. With very bright flashes of lurid red dotted all over the outsole. So Phil’s latest obsession with his plimpsoles has ended in tears. I can hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth from the plimpsoles acolytes already.

Today, we did a road walk of 8.6 miles (yes the ‘point six’ IS important) so that Phil’s red flashes would stay pristine. He had forgotten about the little stretch along the Icknield Way in the gloopy mud. Maybe after a good scrub the lilac will soften down to a dull grey.

I hope so: Phil is walking solo this year, so there will be no-one to protect him from the fashion police on the Challenge.

UPDATE

While I was out working hard, training, the wooden floor layer (he is a man who lays wooden floors, he is not wooden himself; in fact he must be remarkably flexible to work in such a confined space) was making a splendid job on the downstairs loo’s new wooden floor. He also shared a curry with the poorly wife.

UPDATES

• The Stephensons Warmlite 2C tent has yet to arrive. It has been on its way from New Hampshire for 11 days now. It must be rowing itself across the pond. I am not panicking, yet...
• Lynnie's trip to Bavaria was very poductive. A litre of 16 year old Highland Park has found its way to my drinks cupboard.
• Eight pairs of socks have been purchased: 4 thick fluffy pairs and 4 winter liners
• I could only find one pair of new laces for my wonderful black boots. They are mostly light black (with a disappointing tinge of dark blue). I need to find a few more pairs the correct colour. I might have to email Scarpa. I cannot walk in the wrong colour laces.

ORDER FROM CHAOS

The tired wife arrives home from her Bavarian bun-fight and is reluctant to prepare a repast of six day old haggis. My body is a temple and so after my efforts of the previous night, I am reluctant to put my liver through a repeat performance. But being a loving husband I offer repairing to the pub for nourishment. I force down an excellent pint of Greene King IPA to bed down the gammon, eggs & chips.

We return up the lane as the usual suspects are walking down the lane. A lucky escape for my temple.

Back home on the kitchen table there are 28 freeze dried Drytech main meals in a large cardboard box that Ian has very kindly sent at a reduced price for my walk. The bottom of the stairs is awash with new toilets, wooden flooring, hand-basins taps and tiles. The house is not as it should be.

I am told the box cannot stay there. It has to be ferried to Mission Control (aka my office upstairs) to join with the rest of the piles of maps, walking guides, and walking kit. Mission Control is becoming crowded.

I need to make a start on parcelling it all up for their destinations. The downstairs loo must be finished. There must be order out of this chaos.

Or I am a Dead Man.

SHORT WIVES, TALL APPLIANCES

I married a short woman.

There. I have said it. It is not a secret. You cannot take a short woman out in public for a pizza and not have this fact out there in the public domain.

Now I don’t think Lynnie minds too much being on the short side (she is 4 feet 13 inches tall, but she does wear 5” heels) and in fact, every now and then it is a wonderful thing.

The fridge is seven feet tall. Being two feet shorter than the fridge Lynnie has no idea what is on the top shelf anything past 3” back from the front of the shelf. When you come home from Boy’s night at the pub you can find all the spare cold sausages, the Green & Blacks organic Dark 70% Chocolate and the grilled Parma ham, happily tucked away at the back of the top shelf. Strange, that…

All absolutely perfick with a nice glass of Leapfrog watching Andrew, Michael & Dianne on BBC1’s best telly programme!

FOOD

I had a nice comment on my last post from Jim, who a few years ago spent six months walking the length of Norway. He noticed that after ten weeks he had lost 12kg in weight. That’s an astonishing 1stone and twelve and a half pounds! If I am to lose weight at the same rate as Jim, it is quite an easy mathematical task to work out that in the seventeen weeks that I shall be walking, it will be possible to lose 20.4 kg or an even more incredible 3 stone 3 lbs!

Being a tubby 12 stone at the moment that would mean a finishing weight of 8stone 11lbs!

EEEEEEK!

I then thought about this quite deeply and came to the conclusion that there cannot be many pubs in Norway, or if there are, the price of beer must be frightening. I have only to walk past the door of a pub and sniff the barmaid’s apron to put on four pounds the very next morning! Fortunately for my slender pot-bellied frame, my route is blessed with a preponderance of Pubs and so I am sure that all will be well.

But, just in case, today I put in an order for some freeze dried expedition meals:

4 x Pasta Bolognese
4 x Cod & Potato in Cream Sauce
4 x Chicken in Sweet & Sour Sauce
4 x Beef Stew with Rice
4 x Beef and Potato Casserole
4 x Wolf Fish and Arctic Prawns
2 x Chilli Casserole
2 x Chicken Curry with Rice
4 x Apple with Custard.

That’s 28 main meals for when I have to carry them some distance; otherwise I will be picking up the occasional fillet steak and mushrooms to cook later in the day, as an example if I am not eating in a nice pub or restaurant.

I am getting quite hungry just looking at that list so I will have to stop all this blogging nonsense and go and fix myself some sausage sandwiches (as Lynnie has abandoned me for two exciting days in Germany – there’s a thought – “Exciting Germany” – Is that an oxy-moron?) before nipping down the Axe & Compass to put on a few very necessary pounds to lose on the walk. After all, Thursday is ‘Boys Night’ down the pub, so at least I will be having fun while Lynnie is playing with her Germans.

No offence, Germany! And, Thank you Jim!

LIMBO

As you know, my route is finished. It has been a huge task getting it all lined in, plotted and printed out onto A4 maps. There are 105 walking days planned, and that means about 200 A4 sheets of paper. On the reverse of the maps will be the telephone numbers of possible accommodation, escape routes (in mountainous areas in case of mis-hap) and details of walking partners’ contact details etc.

Chances are, when you read this it will be Thursday (it is late Wednesday night as I write this) and so you will realise that in five weeks time I will be walking on the first leg of the walk to Penzance on my way to John O’Groats.

This means that at the moment I am in Limbo.

These five weeks will be spent sorting out the possible accommodation, patiently (still) waiting for the tent to arrive; it was mailed a week ago from New Hampshire, and then going through the kit methodically checking that everything is still okay.

And of course getting as fit as possible. That means getting on Lynnie’s torture machine (her Concept 2 rowing machine).

And I still have things to buy.

Smartwool socks and liners: Quite a few of these in fact, which need to be parcelled up with the maps and sent to strategic points along the route. I am taking no chances with the socks: The whole walk is costing a small fortune and so its best not to scrimp on the most important bit of all; my socks.

Food: I will be trying to get as much freshly prepared food along the route as possible, but where I am out in the wilds (mostly Scotland and a bit of Wales) I shall be using the Norwegian dehydrated meals I mentioned earlier in the blog, as they are lightweight, very tasty and good portions.

And tonight I have been perusing Bearded Gits wonderfully useful website – there are all sorts of goodies that I might use on the new tent – like Dynema guy-lines and fat titanium pegs for poor ground conditions. I am sure there are a thousand things I could actually do – but there will come a time when I will have to say “enough already!”

I know you are already there.

WEIRD DARREN'S WHOPPING WALK

Readers of Darren’s TGO Challenge Blog (see ‘Great Places to Visit) will have noticed that he has now finished writing up his first Challenge route sheet for his walk with his mate Dave Mycroft.

Darren is a big powerful chap – I remember his exploits on the Ice Wall at Ellis Brigham’s a couple of years ago. As my mate Phil says, “He’s awfully keen on vertical climbing.”

The lads’ first five days of the Challenge has 8,000m of ascent. Breaking yourselves in easily then? Phew!

Still, he has youth on his side and with his mate Dave’s expertise in navigation (See recent copies of TGO) at least they won’t be getting themselves lost.

All power to you, Darren. That’s a BIG walk!

LOCAL HERO

I am back on the settee again. The settee is my friend. I am relaxing after designing a long walk. I have polished off the last of the Christmas Montrachet with Lynnie and am back on a little Laphroaig. I have caught the last hour of ‘Local Hero’. It is magnificent. Gordon and Mac have just been calling Mr Happer in the States from the World Famous phone box with the Aurora Borealis lighting up the night sky following the dance in the village hall (I can’t spell “ceilidh” and MS Word isn’t helping me).

That is typical of computers. They do not help you. They are there to bring you down to reality. Watching one of the all time greats on telly and it won’t spell “Ceilliedh” for you.

Back to the film and the Northern Lights. I have never seen the Aurora Borealis in the twelve years I have walked through Scotland. It’s not for the want of trying. Maybe it’s because I have mostly been pointing East in my quest for Montrose. At night I am usually tucked up in my little tent and oblivious to everything.

This time I am going to be in Scotland for two months. Mostly I will be pointing north. Maybe this is the year I will finally get to see the lights. If I do, you will be the first to know. Promise.

LEJOG SCHEDULE

Below you will find my entire planned route from Land's End to John O'Groats:

If you would like to walk a day or so with me, please will you email me ASAP so that I can book you in. (Click on the white envelope below to email me.) I will need your contact telephone numbers as this schedule will inevitably change as the walk progresses. An email address would be pretty useful too.

WALKING DAY / DATE / ROUTE / DISTANCE (km)

1 / Thursday 01-Mar / Land's End - Penzance / 16.1
2 / Friday 02-Mar / Penzance - Porthleven / 22.6
3 / Saturday 03-Mar / Porthleven - Lizard / 21.3
4 / Sunday 04-Mar / Lizard - Gweek / 19.1
5 / Monday 05-Mar / Gweek - Truro / 25.5
6 / Tuesday 06-Mar / Truro - Indian Queens / 23.0
7 / Wednesday 07-Mar / Indian Queens - St Breward / 32.4
8 / Thursday 08-Mar / St Breward - Launceston / 35.6
Friday 09-Mar / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 195.6km
9 / Saturday 10-Mar / Launceston - Bridestow / 27.7
10 / Sunday / 11-Mar / Bridestow - South Zeal / 21.1
11 / Monday 12-Mar / South Zeal - Crediton / 22.9
12 / Tuesday 13-Mar / Crediton - Tiverton (Sampford Peverill?) /23.5
13 / Wednesday 14-Mar / Tiverton (SP?) - Taunton (West Monkton) / 37.6
14 / Thursday 15-Mar / Taunton (West Monkton) - Street / 35.3
15 / Friday 16-Mar / Street - Midsomer Norton / 31.9
16 / Saturday 17-Mar / Midsomer Norton - Bath / 23.9
Sunday 18-Mar / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 419.5km
17 / Monday 19-Mar / Bath - Alveston / 35.4
18 / Tuesday 20-Mar / Alveston - St Briavels / 28.9
19 / Wednesday 21-Mar / St Briavels - White Castle / 29.4
20 / Thursday 22-Mar / White Castle - Hay on Wye / 34.2
21 / Friday 23-Mar / Hay on Wye - Kington / 24.1
22 / Saturday / 24-Mar / Kington - Knighton / 21.7
Sunday 25-Mar / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 593.2km
23 / Monday 26-Mar / Knighton - Brompton Crossroads / 24.1
24 / Tuesday 27-Mar / Brompton Crossroads - Buttington Bridge / 19.5
25 / Wednesday 28-Mar / Buttington Bridge - Llanymynech / 16.4
26 / Thursday 29-Mar / Llanymynech - Chirk Mill / 22.4
27 / Friday 30-Mar / Chirk Mill - Llandegla / 25.7
28 / Saturday 31-Mar / Llandegla - Bodfari / 28.5
29 / Sunday 01-Apr / Bodfari - Prestatyn - Trelogan / 29.0
30 / Monday 02-Apr / Trelogan - Chester / 37.1
Tuesday 03-Apr / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 795.9km
31 / Wednesday 04-Apr / Chester - Broken Cross / 35.0
32 / Thursday 05-Apr / Broken Cross - Bollington / 31.0
33 / Easter Friday 06-Apr / Bollington - Edale / 24.7
Easter Saturday 07-Apr / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 886.6km
34 / Easter Sunday 08-Apr / Edale - Crowden / 26.1
35 / Easter Monday 09-Apr / Crowden - Standedge / 18.1
36 / Tuesday 10-Apr / Standedge - Hebden Bridge / 24.6
37 / Wednesday 11-Apr / Hebden Bridge - Ponden / 18.2
38 / Thursday 12-Apr / Ponden - Thornton in Craven / 18.0
39 / Friday 13-Apr / Thornton - Malham / 17.2
Saturday 14-Apr / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 1008.8km
40 / Sunday 15-Apr / Malham - Horton in Ribblesdale / 23.8
41 / Monday 16-Apr / Horton - Hawes / 21.6
42 / Tuesday 17-Apr / Hawes - Keld / 19.8
43 / Wednesday 18-Apr / Keld - Baldersdale / 23.9
44 / Thursday 19-Apr / Baldersdale - Langdon Beck / 22.7
45 / Friday 20-Apr / Langdon Beck - Dufton / 20.5
46 / Saturday 21-Apr / Dufton - Alston / 30.4
Sunday 22-Apr / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 1171.5km
47 / Monday 23-Apr / Alston - Greenhead / 25.8
48 / Tuesday 24-Apr / Greenhead - Bellingham / 34.2
49 / Wednesday 25-Apr / Bellingham - Byrness / 24.5
50 / Thursday 26-Apr / Byrness - Refuge Hut / 29.2
51 / Friday 27-Apr / Refuge Hut - Morebattle / 19.1
52 / Saturday 28-Apr / Morebattle - Newton St Boswell /32.7
Sunday 29-Apr / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 1337.0km
53 / Monday 30-Apr / Newton St Boswell - Stow / 23.3
54 / Tuesday 01-May / Stow - Penicuik / 33.4
55 / Wednesday 02-May / Penicuik - Broxburn / 31.5
56 / Thursday 03-May / Broxburn - Falkirk / 28.7
57 / Friday 04-May / Falkirk - Milton of Campsie / 29.1
58 / Saturday 05-May / Milton of Campsie - Drymen / 26.0
59 / Sunday 06-May / Drymen - Rowardenan / 18.4
60 / Mon May Day 07-May / Rowardenan - Toman Biorach / 30.6
61 / Tuesday 08-May / Toman Biorach - Glen Noe / 27.5
62 / Wednesday 9-May / Glen Noe - Oban / 28.3
Thursday 10-May / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 1,613.8km
63 / Friday 11-May / Oban - Loch Etive / 25.0
64 / Saturday 12-May / Loch Etive - Coire na Caime / 28.0
65 / Sunday 13-May / Coire na Caime - Gorton Bothy / 23.7
66 / Monday 14-May / Gorton Bothy - Meall nan Sac / 23.1
67 / Tuesday 15-May / Meall nan Sac - Kinloch Rannoch / 16.1
68 / Wednesday 16-May / Kinloch Rannoch - Blair Atholl / 28.5
69 / Thursday 17-May / Blair Atholl - Loch nan Eun / 31.2
70 / Friday 18-May / Loch nan Eun - Braemar / 22.5
71 / Saturday 19-May / Braemar - Stan's / 9.0
72 / Sunday 20-May / Stan's - Shielin of Mark / 22.9
73 / Monday 21-May / Shielin of Mark - Tarfside / 17.9
74 / Tuesday 22-May / Tarfside - North Water Bridge / 26.1
75 / Wednesday 23-May / North Water Bridge - Montrose / 14.4
Thursday 24-May / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 1902.2km
76 / Friday 25-May / Montrose - Fettercairn / 18.6
77 / Saturday 26-May / Fettercairn - Water of Feugh / 28.7
78 / Sunday 27-May / Water of Feugh - Ballater / 27.2
79 / Spring Bank Monday 28-May / Ballater - Braemar / 28.8
80 / Tuesday 29-May / Braemar - R Feshie / 28.2
81 / Wed 30-May R Feshie - Kingussie (Derek & Marian's) / 25.2
82 / Thursday 31-May / Kingussie - Garve Bridge / 32.5
83 / Friday 01-Jun / Garve Bridge - Ft Augustus / 27.1
Saturday 02-Jun / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 2118.5km
84 / Sunday 03-Jun / Ft Augustus - Cougie / 24.8
85 / Monday 04-Jun / Cougie - Glen Gaorsaic / 26.4
86 / Tuesday 05-Jun / Glen Gaorsaic - Strathcarron / 31.8
87 / Wednesday 06-Jun / Strathcarron - Coire Mhic Nobuil / 25.7
88 / Thursday 07-Jun / Coire Mhic Nobuil - Cromasaig / 17.4
Friday 08-Jun / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 2244.6km
89 / Saturday 09-Jun / Cromasaig - Loch an Nid / 19.7
90 / Sunday 10-Jun / Loch an Nid - Past Inverlael / 26.1
91 / Monday 11-Jun / Inverlael - Oykel Bridge / 28.9
92 / Tuesday 12-Jun / Oykel Bridge - Inchnadamph / 30.4
93 / Wednesday 13-Jun / Inchnadamph - Kylesku / 21.3
Thursday 14-Jun / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 2371.0km
94 / Friday 15-Jun / Kylesku - Loch a' Garbh-bhaird Mor / 24.9
95 / Saturday 16-Jun / Loch a' G-b M - Blairmore / 18.1
96 / Sunday 17-Jun / Blairmore - Cape Wrath - Kearvaig / 27.8
97 / Monday 18-Jun / Kearvaig - Strath Dionard / 23.4
98 / Tuesday 19-Jun / Strath Dionard - Strath More / 21.6
99 / Wednesday 20-Jun / Strath More - Tongue / 24.4
Thursday 21-Jun / DAY OFF / TOTAL SO FAR / 2511.2km
100 / Friday 22-Jun / Tongue - Skelpick Burn / 27.0
101 / Saturday 23-Jun / Skelpick Burn - Strath Halladale / 23.2
102 / Sunday 24-Jun / Strath Halladale - River Thurso / 29.2
103 / Monday 25-Jun / River Thurso - Dunnet Campsite / 32.2
104 / Tuesday 26-Jun / Dunnet Campsite - Carisbay YH / 28.8
105 / Wed 27-Jun / Carisbay YH - JOG & Duncansby Head / 8.6

TOTAL DISTANCE / 2660.2 km (1663 miles)

TOTAL ASCENT / 71,120m (233,333 feet / 44 vertical miles)

THE FAR NORTH

I remember driving to Scotland 29 years ago in my Mini Clubman and following signs on the A1 to ‘The North’. We drove for two solid days northwards and still there were signs to ‘The North’.

The North was a romantic destination that we never quite reached. It felt good not getting there. I quietly wondered that should we arrive there, there might be painted on the reverse of the sign that said ‘Welcome to the North’, ‘The South.’

And now I am plotting my way along ‘The North’ to the very North bit and the very North Easterly bit. It is a strange experience.

Having read a lot of people’s Lejog reports, quite a few complain about the bleakness of the place and tedious road walking. I like bleak! (Some might say I like tedium too.)

The Far North seems a very strange place on the map. There seems to be quite a lot of boggy bits and not many roads. Quite a bit of boggy bits: Good. Not a lot of roads: Good too. But it does look a weird place. There seems to be strips of country that link together that are not as boggy as the others, and so I am mixing the walk up into part these areas and part the boggy bits. Just for fun.

At the moment the end of June seems a million years away, just as the Far North was 29 years ago in my Mini.

FEEDING THE BELLY - A REPRISE

or
(Phil’s new trousers)

I had been doing okay. It was reported here that I had indeed made a 50% inroad into the target set of losing ten pounds of ugly fat.

That was before high tea at the Izaac Walton Hotel, Friday night down the Axe with the banker and the farmer (Lynnie didn’t make it down there – she was murdering someone in Midsummer - so the ‘off’ switch was disconnected) and today.

Today, Phil & his Wonderful Wife were round for lunch and a quick nip around the Hemingford Round. The tally wasn’t too bad: 2 bottles of white, 1 bottle of fizz and two excellent bottles of red. Ah, and the whisky. Phil’s WW was driving and Lynnie was being careful, so Phil & I shouldered the burden of the bulk of the bottles. Lunch was a modest affair before our expected exertions of the walk but dinner was a wonderful three courses starting with a haggis, swede & potato starter, then roast lamb followed by home made lemon meringue pie.

Ooooh! It were reet handsome!

I dread getting on the scales tomorrow morning.

However, all this reporting of gluttony pales into insignificance compared to Phil’s latest purchase. He has bought a pair of Designer Jeans… Size 36” waist… Phil has given in to comfort. We all know a man’s waist size stays constant after he hits thirty years old. All you need to do is to tuck the waist band beneath the burgeoning belly and all is well.

But Phil is a man of high principal. Integrity is all. Not for him the flop of the belly over the top, after doing up the last button of the trousers. Oh no. Phil is comfy in his new trousers and I am happy for him.

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

Those statistics published below got me to thinking: 67,000 metres. That’s 42 miles of vertical ascent.

That means I could have climbed under my own steam through the Troposphere, upwards and onwards through the Stratosphere and slap bang into the middle of the Mesosphere.

That’s above the height of Mt Everest, above the range of commercial airliners above good old Concorde’s range, above even weather balloons. Yes: I am up there where the meteors crash and flame in the night sky! It can get pretty cold up there; it can get to -100 Celsius, so I will definitely need the down jacket.

An astronaut is given a certificate for space flight if he has flown above 50 miles; that’s only another eight miles away.

Of course Astronauts have all those problems with loose tiles and burning up on re-entry. My problem after yesterday’s gales is loose thatch and as for re-entry, I am not going there. Not on this blog.

ROUTE: STRATHCARRON TO CAPE WRATH

Here is the schedule for the next stretch of the route, from Strathcarron to Cape Wrath:

DATE / ROUTE / DISTANCE (km)

Wednesday 06-Jun / Strathcarron - Coire Mhic Nobuil / 25.7
Thursday 07-Jun / Coire Mhic Nobuil - Cromasaig / 17.4
Friday 08-Jun / DAY OFF
Saturday 09-Jun / Cromasaig - Loch an Nid / 19.7
Sunday 10-Jun / Loch an Nid - Past Inverlael / 26.1
Monday 11-Jun / Inverlael - Oykel Bridge / 28.9
Tuesday 12-Jun / Oykel Bridge - Inchnadamph / 30.4
Wednesday 13-Jun / Inchnadamph - Kylesku / 21.3
Thursday 14-Jun / DAY OFF
Friday 15-Jun / Kylesku - Loch a' Garbh-bhaird Mor / 24.9
Saturday 16-Jun / Loch a' G-b M - Blairmore / 18.1
Sunday 17-Jun / Blairmore - Cape Wrath - Kearvaig / 27.8

Distance from Land’s End: 2,441.8 km so far. (1,526 miles)
Ascent since Land’s End: 67,000m so far (220,000 feet)

When I have planned across the top to John O’Groats I will publish the itinerary in full.

SIX WEEKS

The laptop is working overtime today. I will not buckle to its demands for a cleaner mouse-pad (am I the only one left who uses a mouse-pad?) No working time directive nonsense for this Johnny! Oh NO! If I have to work, then he has to work and I’ll hear no more about it. IS THAT CLEAR?

Thank you. Ahem… And now, an Announcement!

A small triumph has been achieved by Larry Laptop, Len the Laserjet and me. We have plotted and planned now all the way to Cape Wrath. The turning point. This week, I will mostly be heading East.

A few statistics to help you sleep easier: You know you want them.

Land’s End to Cape Wrath: 1,520 miles
221,000 feet of ascent.

I now have six weeks before striding out from Cornwall; six weeks in which I have to get the bit across the top completed, the accommodation lists sorted and to re-learn the Palm Computer and phone / WiFi connectivity blogging thing.

ROCK STAR

My fifteen minutes of fame have arrived. It had to happen. Helen & Angela of the Hunts Post did me proud and gave me half a page in the Community News section of The Hunts Post.

My own Short Tony (see JonnyB’s private secret diary) rang Lynnie as I was travelling home from Dovedale to say he had had a nasty shock on Page 27 of the esteemed organ. Click on the link to find it yourself:

http://www.huntspost.co.uk/flatfiles/eeditions/huntspost.aspx

Oh – the picture is in colour, so my disgracefully brown muddy boots are displayed to worst effect.

DOVEDALE

My Lejog personal trainer & I leave the village before dawn. We do battle with the A14, the M1, and the A50. (That was just for the people who want to know stuff like that: Worryingly for Britain, there are a lot of us out there) It is pouring with rain. There are more Bulgarian trucks out today. My car passes them full of foreboding and suspicion.

But we arrive safely to have breakfast pasties and cream cakes at Ashbourne and soon we are heading up Dovedale at just past 10am.

It has stopped raining but the water is whooshing down the dale submerging the stepping stones. The car park is virtually empty and we meet only a few hardy elderly ramblers out for a stroll.

We arrive at the Spanish pub with the Japanese hound, just as it opens. Phil explains to me why he is so happy of late. Schadenfreude. He wakes in the morning at normal time and leans on his bedroom window sill and looks out. He sees his neighbours reversing their cars out of their drives, balletically, as they make their way to the office for a day of sweat and toil. Phil then goes back to bed for a snooze and awaits the Teasmaid’s best endeavours.

I have never seen him more relaxed.

Home cured salt-beef sandwiches and a bowl of excellently salty chips with Timothy Taylor’s Landlord. Splendid.

We exit the pub and brave cold winds and head off to the next dale. The day is glorious. We pass ruined halls and ruinous caravan parks and make it safely back to the Izaac Walton Hotel for two huge afternoon teas, that we barely finish.

This is what I call training. 10.7 miles.

(And for those that feel compelled to know, the new boots have now completed 165 miles.)

There, that’s better. Now, relax…

NEW PLACES TO VISIT

The observant amongst you will have by now noticed the new entrants in my 'Great Places To Visit' (Twenty lashes to those who didn't spot them)

JonnyB's private secret diary: Dispatches from the Norfolk Village Frontline

Bearded Git: Has he peaked too early? Is he over the hill?

Take a trip over there. Great reading to start the day.

THE RAIN

The rain hasn’t stopped today. Well, if truth be told I am pretty sure it hasn’t stopped. I live in a thatched cottage. If you have never noticed (and I hadn’t until I lived in one) thatched cottages don’t have roof gutters. So all the rain comes pouring down and runs down the thatch and then drips off the roof at the bottom (well mostly it does, apart from the bit above our bedroom where it still, despite my best builder’s efforts, runs down the inside of the listed gable wall)

A thatch roof works like this: The rain drives its way into the top layer of the thatch, but the reeds are angled so that the water is shot back out to the surface slightly lower down the roof. This process can take a while so even after it has stopped raining the rain is still dripping out at the bottom edge of the thatch some while later. This means that you can have a day of showers but it may appear that there has been continual rain from looking out of your window.

So it’s similar in a way to living in a tent. When you wake in the morning to rain drumming on the flysheet you have to be a bit of hard nut for your heart not to sink slightly. It sounds so awful: You will be packing up inside the tent, getting ready for the leap outside to drop the tent, getting as much rain off the thing as possible before bundling it into the rucksack where it won’t soak the rest of your gear.

However when you finally leap outside into the lashing rain, it’s never more than a light drizzle. The flysheet and your skull cinema have amplified the problem out of all proportion.

I was thinking about the tent, so rang Stephenson’s in New Hampshire to find out how the Gin Palace is coming along: it’s being posted tomorrow and so I shall soon be the proud father of a new Warmlite 2C. (As I put the phone down I had a nice email from them saying exactly that. Spooky!) As soon as it arrives I will erect the baby and let you know all about it.

The planning has come along a little further; I have now planned past Slioch and An Teallach to Inverlael. It looks glorious countryside from the map.

HEAD FOR THE HEIGHTS

Slightly surprisingly, just over half of this walk is actually in Scotland. From the years I have spent bimbling around in Scotland I have noticed that it is quite a hilly place.

Now, the trouble with hills is that that are higher than the surrounding land. When you are on top of a hill you are generally higher than the ground all around you, and as long as the weather is fine you should have a good view. That’s generally when my problems start.

You see, I don’t have a great head for heights. Offa’s Dyke, the Pennines; generally okay. The ground falls away gradually, apart from the places that are not quite like that. Scotland though does seem to be a bit steeper in places. The West Coast is even more like that. Having climbed up the Falls of Glomach a while back I am making pretty damn sure I am not going to climb down the Falls of Glomach this time around. The drops into the chasm are awesome when you are pointing down hill.

But today I have just planned a day’s walk that should satisfy my yearning for being in the mountains yet not be so scary that I am stuck to the side of the hill in abject terror, my rucksack pulling me off the hill into the depths of the yawning chasm below. From Torridon I am going round the back of Liatach and Beinn Eighe to breathe in, have a deep soak in one of the most wonderful places on the planet; to be surrounded by Giants before dropping down to stay with Tom & Liz at Cromasaig. I cannot think of a more perfect day in the hills.

However, there is still miles and miles of wonderful northern Scotland to explore, and from what everyone tells me, from here on it just gets better and better.

All of a sudden, this walk is getting to be more real.

TWENTY FOUR HOURS

or What a difference a day makes.

We had a lovely walk this afternoon, starting with two very well kept pints of Greene King IPA at the Pensioner’s Pub. We took in the ruin at Wimpole Hall and a couple of villages. One of the villages had had a pub that was turned into a Thai restaurant that was closed down because the waitresses weren’t just serving food to their customers. Interestingly it is about to reopen as a Chinese restaurant. I wonder what will be on the menu this time.

It was a gorgeous winters day today: Hardly a cloud in the sky and no wind. And everyone seemed to be out for a walk. And not just the usual clutch of ramblers either (we classify ‘ramblers’ as the older walkers who have their trousers tucked into their socks – possibly unkindly) All ages and in groups of happy smiling young adults. That’s strange for Cambridgeshire. I don’t know why. Answers on a post card please.

Still, it was nine and a half more miles for the new boots and we finished walking though the splendid parkland of the Hall well past sunset, taking off our muddy boots back at the car in the dark. All this followed by home-made carrot cake and a cup of tea back home in front of the fire, planning our next walk on Wednesday in the White Peak; Dovedale is favourite, leaving home well before dawn.

On top of that and there were a couple of lovely emails waiting for me for walking partners for a couple of days in March on the walk and an offer of a bed in the southwest.

The world is a bright happy place again.

I suppose with the pressure of getting everything sorted for the walk, an elderly Mum in a spot of health trouble and life’s usual round of knock-backs and slip-ups, you are bound to get down once in a while. So it’s always heartening when things start going right again.

Chin Up Sloman and Get On With It!

FORTY SEVEN DAYS

Phil’s LEJOG countdown he sent me tells me that there are forty seven days to go before I set off from Land’s End.

I just hope that they will not all be like today.

I drove down to Mum’s today, as she has just come out from a stay in hospital. We are all worried about how she will cope as she is now markedly less mobile, but we will see what Social Services can do on Monday to improve things.

On the way down on the A1 a huge Bulgarian truck pulled out into my lane when I was alongside his rear axle. Thank God for ABS and big fat tyres. From his subsequent behaviour he obviously thought it was all my fault. I am all for European expansion, but not into my lane.

As Mum is now less mobile and now on crutches, we cleared her home of things that could trip her up. I took my brother’s telephone chair and my old coffee table down to the tip (sorry, ‘recycling centre’). That was particularly difficult as we had made them when we were about twelve years old, and they had been part of the family’s life for forty years. Neither were works of art. My coffee table in particular was rough, poorly jointed and very badly varnished. David’s telephone chair was of solid chipboard and painted in a solid brown.

Both pieces of furniture had been part of family life throughout the years. Like the family, they were functional, not works of high art, but they were honest attempts and did the job. But now the decks are being cleared and we are moving on.

Tomorrow I am going for a walk to clear my head.

OBAN - STRATHCARRON ROUTE

Here is the next section of route - from the west coast of Scotland to the east coast & back to the west coast.

DATE / ROUTE / DISTANCE (km)

Friday 11-May / Oban - Loch Etive / 25.0
Saturday 12-May / Loch Etive - Coire na Caime / 28.0
Sunday 13-May / Coire na Caime - Gorton Bothy / 23.7
Monday 14-May / Gorton Bothy - Meall nan Sac / 23.1
Tuesday 15-May / Meall nan Sac - Kinloch Rannoch / 16.1
Wednesday 16-May / Kinloch Rannoch - Blair Atholl / 28.5
Thursday 17-May / Blair Atholl - Loch nan Eun / 31.2
Friday 18-May / Loch nan Eun - Braemar / 22.5
Saturday 19-May / Braemar - Stan's / 9.0
Sunday 20 May / Stan's - Shielin of Mark / 22.9
Monday 21-May / Shielin of Mark - Tarfside / 17.9
Tuesday 22-May / Tarfside - North Water Bridge / 26.1
Wednesday 23-May / North Water Bridge - Montrose / 14.4
Thursday 24-May / DAY OFF
Friday 25-May / Montrose - Fettercairn / 18.6
Saturday 26-May / Fettercairn - Water of Feugh / 28.7
Sunday 27-May / Water of Feugh - Ballater / 27.2
Monday 28 May / Ballater - Braemar / 28.8
Tuesday 29 May / Braemar - R Feshie / 28.2
Wednesday 30 May / R Feshie - Kingussie / 25.2
Thursday 31-May / Kingussie - Garve Bridge / 32.5
Friday 01-Jun / Garve Bridge - Ft Augustus / 27.1
Saturday 02-Jun DAY OFF
Sunday 03-Jun / Ft Augustus - Cougie / 24.8
Monday 04Jun / Cougie - Glen Gaorsaic / 26.4
Tuesday 05-Jun / Glen Gaorsaic - Strathcarron / 31.8
2201.5 km so far

VETTED

For two weeks of my walk I am to be looked after, quite splendidly in fact.

I have just received back my vetted route from Uncle Roger at TGO High Command. He actually got one of the Vetters to do it – a lovely chap, also called Alan. Alan is a bit of a legend, in that he has completed the TGO Challenge NINETEEN times. (That was in capitals to show you it is a Very Big Achievement). Yes he has crossed from the west coast to the east coast of Scotland successfully nineteen times. I don’t know how long his legs are, but there cannot be much left of them by now. I have heard it said in a bar in Scotland by a very authoritative man that you lose 6mm in leg length for each crossing. So by my ‘O’ level mathematical reckoning, Alan must now be some 114mm shorter than he was 20 years ago.

In real money that’s four and a half inches. Having met Alan a few times now, I reckon that is spot on. He is not the tallest chap on the Challenge. (They tend to be the younger first-timers) He is however one of the smiliest and wise. He has all the attributes of wisdom: A flowing white beard and piercingly bright eyes. No one can tell his age, but he goes back in time before the Great Outdoors Challenge was even a twinkling in Hamish Brown’s eye. Yes. Centuries old.

And he has vetted my route and made one or two Very Wise suggestions which I shall follow:

Stay away from the terrible drinking dens of the challenge.
Stay away from polite company
Wash

He also mentioned some helpful nonsense about bothies and waterfalls to die for.

So back to my opening comments: For two weeks of the walk I will have someone to phone in to, to let them know how it’s going, to have a shoulder to cry on when it gets all shitty. That’s a very comforting thought.

MEDICATION, MEDICATION, MEDICATION
I may have mentioned in previous postings that I shall be taking with me my pills for Gout (a very unfunny condition) and high blood pressure.

I am not sure which came first; the high blood pressure or the IgA Nephropathy (Berger’s Disease – look it up; it’s a riot), or if it matters. But I take the blood pressure pills to stop the kidneys getting even more screwed. It’s something I’ve known I have had for some twenty years or so.

So a week or so ago I thought I had better arrange with the Docs to make sure I have enough to get me through to mid July, to be on the safe side in case things go pear-shaped on the walk. Not being a great fan of spending time in waiting rooms with a load of sick people, I tend to only see the Doctor when he demands that I attend before he will dispense any more repeat prescriptions. This was such a time and as I needed whole bundle of pills I thought it best to pop in and have a chat.

I was a bit miffed when I was told I was seeing the practice nurse for her to take blood and blood pressure (all normal stuff for me) and not the Doc. But not only that but that there was also no way that he would give me the stuff I needed for up until the middle of July.

So I was stuffed.

I tried everything but Cerberus on reception was having none of it. The only way I could get the stuff I need is to visit surgeries along the route. JEEZ!

The Doc lives in the village. There is no way that I am going to spend my four months queuing up in surgeries along the length of our Kingdom. Queuing in pubs; yes. Surgeries; no. I will find another way of getting the stuff, even if it involves the media!

What grates so much is that I am paying for these people through my exorbitant taxes for them to tell me what I can and cannot have. I know what I need. I pay for the stuff anyway. So what is the problem?

Any Medic type chaps / chapesses out there who can give me a bit of help here?

I have booked an appointment for a blazing row with my learned friend the Doc in a few weeks time. So any information to aid my case would be very welcome. I have no wish to start downloading pharmacy addresses and Doctors surgeries along the route as well as all the other planning I have to do.

BRAEMAR BRAEMAR

So good, I am doing it twice.

By incorporating the Rab TGO Challenge, the ‘No Ferries’ rule, and the wish to go to Cape Wrath, my route back to the West coast gives me a choice: Either go North of Loch Ness or South of it, on the return leg to the West coast.

Going North means Inverness, South means Braemar.

Decision made. Braemar it is then. That means I am going through the same place on my walk twice. This is the only time that this happens on the walk. And it couldn’t happen to a nicer place. Braemar has excellent places to sleep, a couple of really good sit-down eateries and one of the best fish & chip shops in… Braemar.

So the route is now at Walking Day 79. Beautiful Braemar. My route to get here is via Fettercairn, Water of Feughs and Ballater. Some nice hilly bits in the route too.

When I get my planning to Strathcarron I will publish the route from Oban to Strathcarron on the blog with mileages & dates.

PAPARAZZI

Today is another momentous day. But what, I hear you cry, could possibly top a day witnessing Phil in his plimpsoles?

Well, I shall explain.

Our village is normally a quiet backwater. A haven for the potterer. We have good people here. There are no noisy neighbours. No caravans parked in front of the houses. No dogs with big teeth and noisome barks, on ropes pulling steel kennels halfway across the drive as you walk past.

But today, Hemingford Abbots is smack in the centre of the world’s media spotlight. Camera crews, huge satellite dishes, caravans and generators storming the normally quiet byways of our village. And it is… All My Fault.

As I have already mentioned, Ian at Sue Ryder Care had sent out press releases about my endeavours and today the world’s press beat a path to my door.

Well, to be more accurate, Helen popped round the back of the cottage as she had spotted me filling up the coal bucket in the garage. She is from the Hunts Post. She has a very nice black camera which she points at me. I wonder about the significance of the colour of her camera, but feel it is not the right time to ask such an important question. Which is a shame, for as you know, I do like black. I have to wear my rucksack and hold my boots in my hands: Disgracefully they are still very muddy after yesterday’s walk, and look brown and not black. I am ashamed. Still, the brown might look grey in the newspaper.

My face is hanging at half mast and I think I am dribbling from my morning’s efforts at the New Dentist. (My Old Dentist had given up after a series of close encounters with my bite reflex.) I had bitten my lower lip in the car on the way home and there is a faint trickle of blood down my chin. Helen takes half a dozen or so pictures, says some very kind words, and leaves me in a daze.

If she is the local representation of the world’s curse of ‘paparazzi’, I wonder what all the fuss is about. Bring them on, I say! I can take it!

No sooner had I uttered these words, than the Peterborough Evening Telegraph is on the phone. I know in an instant how Kate & Naomi feel. I need a bolt hole. I need a friend to put me up for a week.

No further comment!

PHIL’S PLIMPSOLES

Today was a big day.

I have a thing about plimpsoles. Cameron Mcneish has been banging on about them for a while now. Apparently they are the footwear of the discerning Ultralight hiker. Don’t even mention Chris Townsend’s obsession with tackling the great walls in his sandals. (That’s a joke, Chris)

Ultralight... Maybe that’s a post for another day.

Back to plimpsoles. My walking tends to be of the off road variety. I look at a map, see a hill and try to pick a nice route up it from the shape of the hill and the possible views, prevailing winds – walkery sort of stuff. Beardy perhaps?

The terrain I will be crossing will be of interest to me too – but, if it’s boggy, it’s boggy and it will be a little bit slower than nice springy turf. But bogs are great. The flora and fauna of a bog when you are up to your knees and elbows in it, is truly amazing – it is another world in miniature.

If you are up to you knees in it then you will probably have soggy socks. But you have been unlucky. Most of the time you can trot quite happily over a Scottish bog with dry tootsies, but mucky boots.

If, on the other hand, you are wearing these new technical plimpsoles so beloved of TGO and it’s Ultralight Acolytes you will have well and truly soggy socks for days on end. On my sort of walks that would be misery. The trackless Balmacaan followed by the trackless Monadhliath in five days of torrential rain fighting your way through waist high heather and tussock and bog would be an absolute riot in plimpsoles! Galloping foot-rot, and blisters can surely be the only result?

But, there are folk out there willing to try these gym shoes for a two week walk in potentially pouring rain. I cannot see it myself. But it is a free country and Phil is nothing if not open minded.

Phil wore his plimmies today on our two pub walk. The Red Lion at Kirtling and the comfy pub at Cowlinge.

Phil always embraces new technology. He is an early adopter. This was a big day for Phil. He wanted to see how they would fare with his solo bash across Scotland this year.

Well, we didn’t go off-road. We avoided all the streams that flowed down the road. Phil came through unscathed.

So – will we see Phil in his plimpsoles on the Challenge?

You heard it here first, dear reader.

Now I must go: I need to get my beauty sleep to be at my best for my adoring press tomorrow morning. The only fly in the ointment may be the fact that I will have a face like Marlon Brando for the photo-shoot as I will have just returned from what should be an expensive time at the Dentist.

BACK ON THE SOFA

Detailed planning and printing of routes is now at Montrose on the East coast of Scotland. I ‘arrived’ there the other day and my Rab TGO Challenge route has now winged its way electronically to Uncle Roger (The Co-ordinator)

Seventy Five days of planning down, about 30 to go.

And I have hit the wall. Just like a marathon runner I have hit a bit in the race where it seems impossibly difficult to get any further. So I am back on the sofa. The sofa is my friend. Watching telly again. The laptop is on my lap but it is not plotting any routes at the moment. It has stalled. I blame the equipment. Lazy, lazy laptop. Why can’t these machines think for themselves? Why do I have to do all the work all the time?

Daryl over the other side of the Atlantic has sent me a plethora of places to stay. Did I menton that he is doing his own LEJOG this year? He is so much further ahead in his planning, and he is starting three weeks after me. This feels a little bit like the ‘O’ Level revision all those ghastly years ago. Those disgustingly young people out there in the ether can ask their Dads about ‘O’ levels. It is double differentiation of the mapping kind. It is Fred the Mathematical Fly walking up the wall across the ceiling and down the other side and what was the lift man’s name? It’s all the horrid things rolled into one. It is standing on the stage and forgetting your lines in front of your horrified parents.

And I have no idea why! I raced across from Oban to Montrose. And now I am stuck. It is 'walkitis’.

I need a day off. That’s why you have days off. I am stale.

On a positive note the downstairs loo refurbishment project is getting a little closer; flooring and lighting has been chosen. It might get done before my route at this rate.

PRESS RELEASE

I have a helper down at Sue Ryder – a nice chap called Ian. He has just sent out a press release to my local newspapers saying that a local man is off on a walk.

Does this mean that I shall shortly be catapulted to stardom? Perhaps a slot on Jonathon Ross? Will ‘Newsnight’ be beating a path to my door? On the walk, I will not be that far from the set of Coronation Street – perhaps they need a Rambler in the Rover’s Return?

The possibilities are endless.

You will all be able to scream at your television sets “I knew him when he was a nobody! Now look at him preening and performing!” A slot on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here can be the only consequence of all this fame and exposure, after I slide back into obscurity once more and slope off quietly down to Cornwall and start the plod. No more adoring fans as I turn to face East at bleak Land’s End. The fickle flicker of fame!


Talking of the plod, I have now completed the planning of my Rab TGO Challenge part of the walk and so the planning has now got to Montrose on the East coast of Scotland. Slowly getting there…

HILLINESS SILLYNESS

So with all the data available to me from my digital mapping stuff, here’s a bit of nonsense for you.

I have broken down each section of the walk so far into ‘Hilliness’; that’s the feet of ascent per mile for each section, just to give myself an idea of what’s coming. It looks like this:

Land's End to Bath: 31,000 feet, 262 miles = 118 feet / mile
Bath – Chester: 37,000 feet, 235 miles = 157 feet / mile
Chester – Edale: 3,000 feet, 57 miles = 52 feet / mile
Edale – Kirk Yetholm: 43,000 feet, 274 miles = 157 feet / mile
Kirk Yetholm – Oban: 27,000 feet, 181 miles = 149 feet / mile

Totals / Average: 141,000 feet, 1009 miles = 140 feet / mile

That’s 16.3 miles per day and 2,275 ft ascent per day average to Oban from Land's End.

The Bath – Chester bit looks interesting as it also includes flattish bits from Bath to the Severn Bridge and from Prestatyn to Chester, so in reality the Offa’s Dyke section is so far the hilliest section of the walk.

Now, even if at 157 feet per mile, it doesn’t sound a lot, but that is uphill walking only. Broadly speaking there will be the same distance down hill as well as up, so that means the uphill figure per mile could in effect be doubled, making 314 feet per mile ascent. Then you have to think that there are also flat bits, along valley floors and hill crests: Double it again? Making some 600 feet per mile uphill for a quarter of the day; for four miles or so. Add to this the almost 700 stiles reputedly on the Offa’s Dyke path (that’s an average of one every 8 minutes) and it sounds like a barrel of laughs…

I think I will get back to my route planning!

GLORIOUS MUD

My LEJOG personal trainer, Phil, took me away from this entire route planning nonsense to take me out for an airing.

We met at a lovely little pub in Bartlow, which promised to be open at eleven (see, this is serious training - starting before mid-day!) Disastrously, the pub was shut; they were taking a well-earned break after their heroic Christmas efforts. Strangely, the last time I had been to this same pub, seventeen years ago, it was also mysteriously shut. Strange things afoot here – possibly a Mafia laundering scam?

So unwilling to leave the cars in a place where they were likely to get sprayed with lead, we parked them round the corner at a suicidally narrow bit of the main road where they could be crushed by the passing farm trucks, and set off on our quest to find another pub – On Foot!

Things started promisingly, with a visit to the remains of the Seven Hills (now only three and a bit still visible). I have lived in Cambridgeshire for almost thirty years, yet these hills must be the county’s best kept secret. This is not surprising, as our county does not seem to enforce the rights of walkers, maintain any signposting or even have any people extolling the virtues of getting ‘out there’ and having a walk. This is perhaps why so many of the county’s young women are so appallingly fat.

But I digress! (Ooh – I could get on my soap box now and rant for hours!)

Back to the Hills! And fine hills they are too. They are actually burial mounds from Roman times and some probably ennobled tweed clad Victorian gent got a load of the locals to grave rob it. All the good stuff disappeared (probably to his Hall where it disappeared in a big fire later) and only the little bits & pieces ended up in a museum. I suppose that’s a bit like life, really…

I think I have mentioned in the past how Phil seems to sniff out the boggiest, gloopiest patches of countryside in the known world, and today was to be no exception. Well, he excelled himself. I should have known this was coming when he dismounted from his German War Machine clad in full gaiters and a wicked smile.

The pub in Ashdon was delightful, with freshly home-cooked ham and egg & chips washed down with two beautiful pints of Adnams. However, the Trainer was not satisfied that we had done enough and so we bundled out into the now much cooler outside and continued on our way. We then found a most peculiar sight – the remains of an old railway coach standing on the remains of the platform of what was once Fallowden Halt, shut during the Beeching years. The landowner told us all about it – a thoroughly pleasant chap. Didn’t get offered a cup of tea though. A cup of tea would have done quite nicely at that point…

Not long afterwards we were at the highpoint of the walk: 113m above sea level! I could feel a nose-bleed coming on so we hurried on back to the cars, getting there just before we needed to break out the head torches! Nine miles, no passes!

ROUTE BREAKDOWN TO OBAN

Well - here is the breakdown so far - forgive the untidiness of the table - MS Excel doesn't like being pasted into Blogger!

Date / Route / Distance (km)

Thursday 01-Mar Land's End - Penzance 16.1
Friday 02-Mar Penzance - Porthleven 22.6
Saturday 03-Mar Porthleven - Lizard 21.3
Sunday 04-Mar Lizard - Gweek 19.1
Monday 05-Mar Gweek - Truro 25.5
Tuesday 06-Mar Truro - Indian Queens 23.0
Wednesday 07-Mar Indian Queens - St Breward 32.4
Thursday 08-Mar St Breward - Launceston 35.6
Friday 09-Mar Day Off
Saturday 10-Mar Launceston - Bridestow 27.7
Sunday 11-Mar Bridestow - South Zeal 21.1
Monday 12-Mar South Zeal - Crediton 22.9
Tuesday 13-Mar Crediton - Tiverton 23.5
Wednesday 14-Mar Tiverton - Taunton 37.6
Thursday 15-Mar Taunton - Street 35.3
Friday 16-Mar Street - Midsomer Norton 31.9
Saturday 17-Mar Midsomer Norton - Bath 23.9
Sunday 18-Mar Day Off
Monday 19-Mar Bath - Alveston 35.4
Tuesday 20-Mar Alveston - St Briavels 28.9
Wednesday 21-Mar St Briavels - White Castle 29.4
Thursday 22-Mar White Castle - Hay on Wye 34.2
Friday 23-Mar Hay on Wye - Kington 24.1
Saturday 24-Mar Kington - Knighton 21.7
Sunday 25-Mar Day Off
Monday 26-Mar Knighton - Brompton Crossroads 24.1
Tuesday 27-Mar Brompton Crossroads - Buttington Bridge 19.5
Wednesday 28-Mar Buttington Bridge - Llanymynech 16.4
Thursday 29-Mar Llanymynech - Chirk Mill 22.4
Friday 30-Mar Chirk Mill - Llandegla 25.7
Saturday 31-Mar Llandegla - Bodfari 28.5
Sunday 01-Apr Bodfari - Prestatyn 19.7
Sunday 01-Apr Prestatyn - Trelogan 9.3
Monday 02-Apr Trelogan - Chester 37.1
Tuesday 03-Apr Day Off
Wednesday 04-Apr Chester - Broken Cross 35.0
Thursday 05-Apr Broken Cross - Bollington 31.0
Friday 06-Apr Bollington - Edale 24.7
Saturday 07-Apr Day Off
Sunday 08-Apr Edale - Crowden 26.1
Monday 09-Apr Crowden - Standedge 18.1
Tuesday 10-Apr Standedege - Hebden Bridge 24.6
Wednesday 11-Apr Hebden Bridge - Ponden 18.2
Thursday 12-Apr Ponden - Thornton in Craven 18.0
Friday 13-Apr Thornton - Malham 17.2
Saturday 14-Apr Day Off
Sunday 15-Apr Malham - Horton in Ribblesdale 23.8
Monday 16-Apr Horton - Hawes 21.6
Tuesday 17-Apr Hawes - Keld 19.8
Wednesday 18-Apr Keld - Baldersdale 23.9
Thursday 19-Apr Baldersdale - Langdon Beck 22.7
Friday 20-Apr Langdon Beck - Dufton 20.5
Saturday 21-Apr Dufton - Alston 30.4
Sunday 22-Apr Day Off
Monday 23-Apr Alston - Greenhead 25.8
Tuesday 24-Apr Greenhead - Bellingham 34.2
Wednesday 25-Apr Bellingham - Byrness 24.5
Thursday 26-Apr Byrness - Refuge Hut 29.2
Friday 27-Apr Refuge Hut - KY- Morebattle 19.1
Saturday 28-Apr Morebattle - Newton St Boswell 32.7
Sunday 29-Apr Day Off
Monday 30-Apr Newton St Boswell - Stow 23.3
Tuesday 01-May Stow - Penicuik 33.4
Wednesday 02-May Penicuik - Broxburn 31.5
Thursday 03-May Broxburn - Falkirk 28.7
Friday 04-May Falkirk - Milton of Campsie 29.1
Saturday 05-May Milton of Campsie - Drymen 26.0
Sunday 06-May Drymen - Rowardenan 18.4
Monday 07-May Rowardenan - Toman Biorach 30.6
Tuesday 08-May Toman Biorach - Glen Noe 27.5
Wednesday 09-May Glen Noe - Oban 28.3
1,613.8 km

PLANNING: OBAN

At last – I have reached Oban with my planning and I have worked out where my rest-days are going to be, assuming that I finish each day as I have planned, which is a big assumption.

When I pencilled in the route a few months back on my old Anquet Maps software, I estimated it to be about 1,000 miles to get me to Oban. Quite amazingly, having planned it accurately, it has come out at 1,009 miles and about 140,000 feet of ascent to get me to sea level at Oban!

I get nine days off in that thousand miles and to get to Oban it’s 62 days of walking. That’s 16.3 miles a day on average. The biggest day planned is 23.5 miles, the shortest; 10.1 – my first day.

The significance of Oban is that I can now plan my Rab TGO Challenge route, and so I have now lined it in. All it needs now is to break it into walkable chunks and ensure there are enough re-supply points enroute. I need to get this off to the organisers ASAP so that they can get it back to me vetted in case of any cock-ups.

The new boots have now done 129 miles. Must be careful not to wear them out…